One Decision that Immensely Helped Our Relationship

My husband and I met in the year 2000. I had just turned 18 and he was in his early 20s. We didn't get together until the year 2001 and at that time we didn't know much about how relationships worked and we had an extremely dysfunctional relationship. We never physically hurt each other but there are other ways we could hurt each other without using force. Our friends who knew us then are still awed that we are somehow still together...and even more surprising is that we're actually quite happy!

I reflected on our relationship and I realized that some decisions we made early on helped preserve our relationship throughout the years. I thought I would share one particular decision that I feel has helped us so much. Ready? Here it goes:

We decided that breaking up is not an option.

Isn't that so ridiculously simple? It was a simple statement we both agreed on during the first few months of our relationship but it proved to be incredibly powerful and liberating. Because of this statement we were forced to move away from empty threats (if you don't like it then just leave!) and forced to face issues head on. If we were to stay together we better fix the relationship ASAP.

It was also liberating. I know that at my grumpiest...I am accepted. I know that I won't be rejected. My husbands knew that to.

This decision we made 15 years ago still stays with us to this day. It has become second nature to us that in all our issues and disagreements leaving or breaking up has never ever been mentioned.  This kind of security in our relationship is so powerful in bonding us. Have you made the same promise to your partner? 

Looking at our Husbands Through Another's Eyes.

There is something that happens when we are exposed to something constantly, we are in a way desensitized to their presence. It's like when you first put on a perfume. You smell it, you appreciate it. Then as hours pass your brain stops recognizing the scent.

This blindness we experience translates very much to our spouse. When Ruy and I first became a couple I recognized every positive trait I saw in him. For example I appreciated how tall he was and how he made me safe even when we find ourselves in sketchy places. I appreciated how he would always try to do things to please me. I appreciated how he would drive 80km to help me fix a flat tire. I noticed and appreciated him. I saw him.

As time went by I grew more and more accustomed to him and the things he did. I guess I can say that I took them for granted. I see this in so many couples. How we forget the things that once drew us to our partners. It's bad enough to forget but at times we even go the other extreme...we focus on the things we dislike about out partners.

One of the best blessings I have experienced as a wife is seeing my husband through the eyes of other people. I heard how his staff spoke about him. I heard how clients praised him. I hear how others talk about him.  This is why I was extremely blessed this morning when my friend sent me this message:

I can't tell you how helpful this text message was. It was like my blinders were lifted and I can see Ruy again. Yeah, he's a pretty awesome guy for me. Yes there are things he does that annoy me but then again I'm sure there are even more things I do that annoy him too. It took another person appreciating my husband to remind me that I do have a pretty great guy and that I need to appreciate him too.

How to Really Win in a Fight (Specially with your Partner)

Let me premise this post by saying that I am a woman and I have this belief that I am right maybe 95% of the time. Here's the problem with this belief. If I believe I am right practically all the time it must mean that someone else is wrong. If that belief wasn't bad enough I would also have to point out that the people who I deem as being wrong usually end up being my family and friends. Did I mention that I'm also not very shy about pointing out that they're wrong?

When I was younger (and so much more arrogant) I would defend this behavior by holding on to the fact that "Well I'm right. I'm just telling it how it is". What a senseless way of losing friends and loved ones huh?  

My friend Vicki once asked me "If you were given a choice between being right and being kind, what would you choose?".  I would admit that this question caught me off guard. Up until that point, I thought being right was being kind. Because I am after all educating (scoff,) people when I tell them how wrong they are and what the right thing is. But the more I think about it the more I realized how often we cling on to what is right and forget to be kind. We are often emboldened by the belief that we are standing for what is right that we lose our ability to feel for others.  

I realized that I know so many wonderful, smart, empowered women who are winning all the arguments because they are right but are slowly losing their relationships. I ask myself is this really winning? These past few weeks I have been talking to people and have been giving these two advise that I thought it best to write them down. Here are two things you should do to really win in a fight.

Just a note; this is not my husband.
This was my boss and we were being silly and acting out scenes in public.

1. If given the choice between being right and being kind, choose to be kind.

There is no point in rubbing it in. Sure, sometimes the point of your partner may seem ludicrous to you but do you really need to rub it in his face? Would it be a victory if you end up winning and being right but you are left with somebody who has a crushed spirit and ego? 

My friend Vicki used to tell me that in arguing you always have to spare your husband's ego because once you crush that it would be hard to build back up. 

2.  Always give people the chance to exit gracefully.

Would it really kill you to allow your partner to have an excuse? Always make sure that you and your husbands leave the argument with your dignities intact. Let's look at a case where you feel like your husband needs to spend more time at home with your kid. 

Wife: You really need to spend more time with our son

Husband: Sure I've just been so busy. 

(It is at this point that you are faced with a fork in the road. Would you be kind and give him his dignity? Or would you be right and secure what would be a winning argument for yourself?)

Scenario 1:  THE KIND APPROACH

Wife: I know you have been. It must be really hard balancing work and family. I wonder how we can schedule an activity for you two together next? 

See this approach is kind. You recognize his situation and you suggest working together to come up with a solution. Let's look at the other scenario. 

Scenario 2: THE "RIGHT" APPROACH

Wife: Busy? But we both work and I get the time to spend with our son. 

Husband: (will now recognize he is being questioned and will get defensive) Your work is easy and you go home when you want to. I'm the one who needs to adjust to clients all day.

Wife: That's not the issue. The issue is you don't know how to prioritize us. If you have time to play golf and play computer games then you should be able to spend time with your own kid. 

Which approach would be the winning approach for you? Sure scenario 2 proves the wife right but it is peppered with judgment and accusations that could build up and slowly drive a wedge between you and your husband. So my dear ladies, I hope we always try to be like the wife in scenario 1. 

5 Words

My friend L posted this question yesterday "In 5 words, describe your husband".

It was such an interesting question and it was definitely not easy. How can you capture, the essence of one individual in just 5 words? How can I communicate who my husband is without stories, and details....just 5 words.

I eventually came up with these 5: Driven, Loved, Loving, Awesome, Committed

1. Driven for me pertains to how he keeps trying to do better, to be better. It's not about being better than others, it's about being the best him. 
2. Loved cause, he's adored by so many. Me and Andrea included. I think being loved talks about his character as much as the other words do.
3. Loving pertains to how dedicated he is to me, to my daughter, to his family.
4. Awesome....well that's self-explanatory isn't it? ;p
5. Committed is for his faithfulness and loyalty. 

This was such an interesting exercise that I decided to ask my husband how he would like to be described. His list only had one thin in common with mine as he said he wants to be called: "Nice, Good, God-fearing, Loving...." and I forgot the last one. Yaiks.

10 Simple Things

If I had a hundred every time I hear a guy complain about how hard it is to please a woman....I would probably have enough money buy myself an Hermes. No joke.

I would always tell my friends....it's hard to please an UNHAPPY woman, if your woman is happy pleasing her would be simple. 

I would say, that I'm a pretty happy person....which is why it takes very little for Ruy to give me pleasure (not that kind you dirty minded Gorgeous Moms...oh yeah, you know who you are). I think, Ruy doesn't realize how happy the small things he does make me. Here are the things which I particularly like:

1. When he invites me to join him as we work together somewhere....(this is what happens when workaholics get married) 
2. Talking
3. When he plays with Andrea
4. Talking
5. When he puts his hand on my back
6. Talking
7. When he shuts the computer and puts the iPhone down for us to talk.
8. Talking
9. When he invites me to go somewhere (even if it's in Mc. Do) just to hang-out
10. Talking 

Fine, I cheated, those aren't really 10 things....but talking is SO important to me that it basically trumps every other thing on the list. What about you? What simple thing does your partner do to make you happy?