Helping Your Kids Learn How to Study

One goal of homeschooling is independent study. This means that we aim to make sure that more than spoon-feeding our children with information we teach them how to find the information and how to retain the information.

I learned in a conference in OD that most adults use index cards to help them learn. What they normally do is write a term they need to remember on one side, then they put a definition on another side. This is mildly effective. Researchers have found a more effective way of studying, and this is something Andrea and I have been using these past 3 months. So far I am thrilled, by how useful it's been and so I'm sharing them with you.

CREATING THE CARDS:

We write the terms on one side, I say WE because at the beginning,I would write the

terms, but, now I started making her write the terms herself to practice spelling and for better retention.

I normally do this at the end of each topic. I ask her to go through her textbook and write down the things which she thinks are important to remember. If she misses some things, I point her attention to it.

I then ask her "What questions can you ask to give you the answer ______" and she comes up with as many questions as possible. We write those questions on the other side of the 3x5 index card.

REVIEWING WITH THE CARDS:

When we are reviewing, I either give her a term, and she will give me a question or I ask her the questions we wrote and she will tell me what I'm referring to.

At times, we would have quiz bees using the card. I would have her and her dad or her and her yaya try to answer the questions.

COLOR CODING: 

Andrea recommended using symbols to identify the cards. We came up with this legend. We put those symbols to differentiate the cards per subject.

STORING THE CARDS:

I bought this pouch to store the cards while travelling. This means, we can review while waiting at the doctor's office for example. At home though, it would be nice to have a bigger index card holder to store all the index cards.

Material Kids - 5 Ways I Teach My Daughter The Value of Things

Most of my friends see me as a calm mom. And for most parts, that would be accurate. I seldom get mad. I hardly ever shout and it takes a lot to get me upset with my daughter (or with most people for that matter).  I do however, have certain triggers -- things that are sure to spark anger or irritation in me. One is stupidity and the next is when people don't value what they have.

I struggled with the latter when it comes to Andrea. In our quest to not make her materialistic we might have gone a bit too far. Andrea cared very little about material things. She never asked for clothes. She didn't care what her clothes or shoes looked like. She wasn't careful with her books or toys.  For some time I had to figure out how I could teach her the value of money without making her too materialistic. 

Here are some things I did to help Andrea learn about taking care of things and the value of things.

1. I don't replace broken/lost/damaged things right away.

• I make sure that she feels the natural consequence of her carelessness. I went as far as letting her go to class without pencils because she forgot where she placed hers. (She never forgot them again)

2. She earns her money.

• She has an ice candy and candy business that helps her earn. This is the money she uses to buy things I normally wouldn't buy for her like books that don't teach a particular value or magazines.
• She also uses this money to purchase things she needs to replace. For example, she once lost her guitar pick. I refused to replace it (because I have already warned her about keeping that small thing safe) and told her she'll have to buy the replacement if she wanted to replace it. 

3. Smart shopping. 

• I teach Andrea to be mindful of prices. I would sometimes treat her when we are out by telling her "Okay Andrea, today you can spend 100 in this store" (or whatever amount I choose).  She will then scour the store and find something she wants. She also has an option to pass on buying that day and buy a more expensive toy or book next time. 
• The concept of money is very hard for kids to understand because it's abstract so I use concrete examples. For example, we go to 2 bookstores. I show her how 200 pesos can buy her around 5 books in the second-hand bookstore but only 1 (if she's lucky) brand new book from the other bookstore. 
• My proudest moment came when she chose to buy this book. I asked her why and she said "Well I love the Avatar and this book only costs _____ and there are 4 books inside it!" 

4. I avoid duplications. 

• If she already has crayons, then we don't buy another one. No matter how cute. 
• When we receive duplicates we either sell or donate things. 

5. I control myself.

• As parents we are often the biggest instigators for materialism. Because of our love for our kids we shower them with presents and material things that they start losing their value...and what for? To make ourselves feel better? Because we didn't have those things as kids and we want our kids to have them? These reasons are not bad in moderation...but excessively they lead to kids who can become spoiled and consequently, adults who are never content. 
• Andrea has a set of markers we use for homeschooling. This school year, we went to the mall looking to replace her old set (which I have donated to someone else) and I saw a set with double the amount of colors than her previous set for not a whole lot more price. I asked her if she wanted the bigger piece instead (I was convinced it's the best purchase) and what she said shocked some sense into me "No thanks. Why do I need that many colors anyway? I'm happy with my old one". I remembered one thing then. We don't buy things for our kids because we can afford them or because those things are available. We should buy things if they add value to the lives of our kids. 

How about you? How do you teach your kids to value their things? 

7 Steps To Talking to Your Kids About Sex

Growing up in a country like the Philippines, most of us matured never having had "the talk" with our parents. We, the new generation of parents, are better informed and know that talking to our kids about sex can be extremely beneficial, some benefits are:

- You control how little or how much information to give your kid
- Your kids will be more comfortable talking to you about relationships in the future. More communication, more influence.
- You get to instill your family's values into the discussion.
- Studies show that teens who have talked to parents about sex tend to delay their first sexual encounter and when they do have sex, they do so in a safe environment.

- If your kid can talk to you about sex, they will also open up to you about relationships, bullying, abuse, etc.  

So we all want to have this important discussion with our kids, the question in most parents' minds is, "How do I talk to my kid about sex?". I hope to help address this question with these 7 Steps to Talking to Your Kids About Sex.

1. Know Yourself 

It's very important to know just how much or how little you know about sex. Also be clear about your stand on important issues. What are you comfortable discussing with your child at the moment? What are your values?  These will all come into play when you talk to your child.

2. Set the Stage

Setting the stage means educating your child early on by using anatomically correct body parts. Use words like vagina, vulva, anus, penis, breasts, when you are talking to your child. Use these terms casually throughout the day. For example while giving your child a bath  you can say "It's time to wash your vulva". These words are neutral and should not be given any malice.  You can start using the correct terms as soon as your child starts talking.

Photo taken from http://www.christianpost.com/news/talkin-bout-the-birds-and-the-bees-67073/

At around the age of 2-3 would be a good time to talk about the biological difference between the sexes. I would also begin introducing the idea of private parts that can only be touched by your child or the guardian cleaning it or a doctor examining. No one else.

3. Child-led Conversations

All my conversations with my child started with a question from her. I didn't push or sit her down for any unnatural talk, I just waited for openings. Here are some possible openings:

- a pregnant friend
- showing a picture of her/his birth
- pets giving birth

When my daughter asked how babies get inside the stomach of the mother I drew the internal anatomy of a woman (I memorized it from biology class) and I explained that eggs that are fertilized by the sperm settle in the uterine lining (which I drew) and very slowly grow into babies. That's it. No talk of sex just yet.

4. Keep the Answer Simple and Age Appropriate. 

Your answer should only address the question of your child. No need to go into details that are not needed at that time. In order to find out what detail is needed always ask your child "That's an interesting question. Why do you want to know?" or "What do you mean?".  There is no need to go into explicit details unnecessarily. Just answer the issue.

A few months after explaining the fertilization of egg cells in Step 3, my daughter finally asked "How does the sperm get inside your tummy?".  Here's my explanation: "When a grown man and grown woman love each other very much they want to be as close as possible. And one way that people who love each other can be close is by having sex. Sex is when the penis of a man goes inside the vagina of the woman. It fits because God made man and woman perfectly. This is how the sperm gets inside the woman"


5. Input your own morals 

This is where it gets tricky. Our kids will internalize the things that we teach them so teaching them about morality here is very important. I have a lot of relatives who gave birth out f wedlock though so I had to explain it in such a way that she understands the value of sex being done in the context of marriage without being judgmental.

Here's what I told her "Sex is something all adults can do BUT God gave us some guidelines so that we will remain safe and happy. When you are married and you have sex, you are able to enjoy the blessings of God. And when you have kids your kids will enjoy being loved and taken cared of by both mommy and daddy".

We discussed this more than once and we went into different details. This was something I didn't discuss until she was 7.

6. Don't Cram Everything in 1 Go

Talking to your kids about sex is a process. It's something you will have to repeat and review and add to throughout the years. Don't cram it all in one go or you'll be exhausted and your child will probably not understand it all.

7. Set Boundaries

This is something I failed to do and I am trying to teach her now. While sex is something we can openly discuss with each other, it would be great to explain when and where appropriate discussions about sex should take place.

FAQ - Time Out

Parents who come to me for help or advise usually want to know how to discipline kids. Disciplining is such a broad topic and covers a wide-array of things but for the purpose of this blog post, we will focus on time outs.

1. What is time out?
Time out is a tool used to aid in disciplining.It is NOT a magic tool that will somehow magically transform your kid into an extremely obedient child in one go. Time out is one small part of the disciplining process that aims to reinforce what you should have already taught your kids.
2. Who can use it?
It can be used by parents with kids who are around 2-6 years old. You can gauge if your kid is ready if they can at least understand what you are saying already and can respond accordingly, even by grunts or nods. I personally introduced the idea of time out a little before my daughter turned 2 but I never had to use it until she turned 2. While it may still work for older kids, it will be harder and would take longer to see the effects. It might be best to consider alternative tools for kids who are 7 and up. 
3. When do I use it?
You use it when: 1. You have previously established a rule, 2. You have given a warning, 3. You are not upset or mad, rather you are calm but authoritative, 4. You are not in public (the goal is not to embarrass your child)
4. How does it work?
It works because kids use attention from parents as a sort of reinforcement. Kids value attention from their caregivers so much. Be it positive (like praise, and affection) or negative (shouting,anger directed at them); they will keep dong things that get them attention. Time outs remove attention from the kids and create a strong correlation between the "bad" thing they are doing and the lack of attention. The beautiful thing about the time out is that it ends with a hug so we are not withholding love from our kids...we are just removing attention away from the negative behavior.
5. Okay, I'm interested. How do I do time out?



Here is my daughter giving herself a time out. This was taken when she was 4.

First, you give one warning/reminder like "Please stop hitting your brother". Then if the child doesn't obey, kneel in front of the child so that you are eye-level with your child. Speak in a calm but firm voice and say "I told you to do this...but you didn't. Now you need to go one time out", hold your child's hand and help him go to the designated time-out chair. No need to say anything else at this point. I assign one minute per year of the child's age as a general rule and it has so far worked for us. I set the kitchen timer and put it in front of my child (to avoid the repeated question "Is it time yet?") and then I leave. Most people stop at this point, but this is not enough. You need to go back to your child when the time is done, talk to your child kindly and ask "Do you know why you were on time out? Why?" and discuss it in simple terms with your child. Then ask the child to say sorry for the specific behavior. Say "I forgive you", then hug your child. 
6. Why doesn't it work for me?
When parents say it doesn't work for them these are the normal culprits: the rules aren't clear yet, the parents are not consistent, they didn't follow all the rules of the time out.
7. Are there other options?
I personally spank (biblical spanking okay, not beating) but I don't suggest this to my clients as I'm always afraid of them going to far with this. Withholding things kids like also works for older kid.
8. What if my kid doesn't sit still?
You have to patiently keep bringing the kid back to the time out space without talking until the kid finally sit stills. You need to keep your face and expression calm. This may take a long time specially for kids who don't understand instructions too much. They will eventually get it but the first couple of times might be challenging.