Raising the Standards of Our Kids

Do you ever feel so frustrated at your kids output? During one of Andrea's standardized tests her output scored around 30 points below her potential or her IQ. I was dumbfounded and extremely upset. I have tried so many things yet they don't address the heart of the issue. They don't teach Andrea how to be mindful of her work and how to critical of good work versus mediocre work.

Let me share with you 2 things I've tried one that did not really work as well as I would have wanted and one that has transformed our homeschooling tremendously.

WRITING EXERCISES:

Andrea has some fine-motor difficulties so writing is always somewhat of a pain point for us. Initially I would give her 5 pages of writing exercises a day. I saw though that she just basically rushed through the exercises just to finish them but still not learning the lesson that I had wanted her to learn. I then told her that we will only do one page a day...but it has to be perfect. If she submitted something that was poorly done then I will make her do another page. This sort of worked because she started giving me really great output...the problem was it didn't translate to excellent output in other things. I decided to try something else.

EFFORT METER:

I decided to introduce the concept of effort. I told her that what matters most to me is that she exerts the best effort possible. I told her that effort is the only thing that will guarantee competence. I then showed her this effort meter I found online:

I printed this out and showed it to her. We discussed each level. I then pulled out a writing book she had completed. We went through every page and rated it based on the amount of effort she exerted. I pulled out her artworks and she rated those as well. When it was clear that we were on the same page when it comes to rating I sat down with her and asked her: "Honey, what level of effort do you think is acceptable for your homeschool?". We decided that right now, we will be happy with GOOD EFFORT. We will make that a habit then after 6 months we will try to go one level higher.

Since we have done this exercise Andrea has been going the extra mile in her work. For a few weeks before she would show me her work I would ask her "What effort did you put in this work?" and then she would run and make adjustments. But I haven't had to do that recently by God's grace.

SOURCE OF EFFORT METER:

https://www.teacherspayteachers.com/Product/Effort-Meter-PosterStudent-Self-Reflection-998304

Discipline Time - Gadget Edition

In our family we have two main rules: 1. Obey (immediately, going the extra mile and with a good attitude), 2. Don't Lie. Those two are the main rules.

We do also have some minor rules when it comes to gadget use. These rules were thoroughly discussed with Andrea. She understands them and understands the repercussion for not adhering to them.

1. She is allowed 1 hour of total gadget use a day.
2. She can only use gadgets after homeschooling and after her chores. (Needs first, then wants)
3. She can earn more time by reading news articles and discussing it with an adult (plus 10 minutes for each article).

These rules have been followed properly for a month...until yesterday. She got excited over an app and forgot to time herself. I know it was a mistake of the mind and not of the heart for several reasons. Number 1, she was telling me the entire time what she doing on the computer. She wasn't sneaking around. Number 2, when I asked her if she went beyond the agreed time she immediately said "Oh no. I forgot to check the time." She was honest about this and I know it came from her excitement with the new app.

So I told her we're going to have to have a talk about gadget use. I told her maybe making her keep track of the time by herself without my supervision was too much at the moment. I told her from this point she will only play beside me for a month because I will use that month to teach her how to be mindful.

She resisted. She was polite and kind but she wanted to understand why the consequences were so dire. Why do I need to do this beside you mom, why don't you just track the time? Why does it have to last a month?

It was hard for me to stay calm. But I tried my hardest. I told her "Honey, you don't have to do these things. You are free not to use the tablet. It is a want. Not a need. It is a privilege not a right". She then explained to me that it's easier for her to follow when she understands. So I explained to her the following:

1. She is free to make mistakes but not to choose the consequences of the mistakes. I am very consistent. If I tell her that so and so will happen if she doesn't follow our agreement with gadgets...then that's what will happen. No negotiations after the agreement (she can negotiate before the agreement)
2. The month long period is not arbitrary. The first week will be with me sitting beside her and watching her play. The second week will be me teaching her different ways to keep track of time while she's playing. The 3rd and 4th week will be me observing if she's ready for the responsibility and privilege of freedom on her tablet.
3. Another consequence is that she is now going to be unable to use the tablet when I'm not home. She is sad about that but that's part of the consequence of not being mindful of the time.

She cried during this discussion. She said she was embarrassed of her mistake. I told her I was also responsible. I apologized for not teaching her how to manage and keep track of her time before giving her this huge responsibility.

(Note: I am very strict. Rules are agreed upon and implemented. Consequences are meted out with no bargaining. I do however differentiate between mistakes of the heart and mind. In this case the mistake was of the mind so I am taking steps to strengthen her knowledge by giving her tools to help track her gadget time. If it were a mistake of the heart however like sneaking around to play with the gadgets when she knows it's already past the agreed period then the consequence would be no gadget use for 2 weeks)

Obedience: Punishing the Behavior v.s, Influencing the Heart

When people talk about discipline people automatically think of how to "punish" a child for certain behavior. Is there really a difference between the two? In today's world most people don't seem to think so. Discipline has become almost synonymous to punishment in such a way that when you ask a parent how hes/she disciplines his/her child the response would most likely be:

"I spank."

 "I give time-outs."
 "I withhold certain things they like."
 "I make them sit on a corner. "

These answers don't really show discipline, they talk about what you are supposed to do to reinforce discipline.

Punishing may successfully curb behavior but it doesn't address the root issue...the attitude. Let's say for example that your child screams at you when she's angry. You can give her time out and say "Don't shout at mommy". But what does that teach? Does that address the issue of respect? Does it teach her how she can better deal with her anger? Maybe, just maybe, your child would stop shouting at you but unless the root issues are addressed the behavior would just manifest itself differently. Maybe your child would start hitting, or talking back, or slamming the door to show her anger. If a heart problem is not addressed, it is sure to show itself again in again in different ways.

FAQ - Time Out

Parents who come to me for help or advise usually want to know how to discipline kids. Disciplining is such a broad topic and covers a wide-array of things but for the purpose of this blog post, we will focus on time outs.

1. What is time out?
Time out is a tool used to aid in disciplining.It is NOT a magic tool that will somehow magically transform your kid into an extremely obedient child in one go. Time out is one small part of the disciplining process that aims to reinforce what you should have already taught your kids.
2. Who can use it?
It can be used by parents with kids who are around 2-6 years old. You can gauge if your kid is ready if they can at least understand what you are saying already and can respond accordingly, even by grunts or nods. I personally introduced the idea of time out a little before my daughter turned 2 but I never had to use it until she turned 2. While it may still work for older kids, it will be harder and would take longer to see the effects. It might be best to consider alternative tools for kids who are 7 and up. 
3. When do I use it?
You use it when: 1. You have previously established a rule, 2. You have given a warning, 3. You are not upset or mad, rather you are calm but authoritative, 4. You are not in public (the goal is not to embarrass your child)
4. How does it work?
It works because kids use attention from parents as a sort of reinforcement. Kids value attention from their caregivers so much. Be it positive (like praise, and affection) or negative (shouting,anger directed at them); they will keep dong things that get them attention. Time outs remove attention from the kids and create a strong correlation between the "bad" thing they are doing and the lack of attention. The beautiful thing about the time out is that it ends with a hug so we are not withholding love from our kids...we are just removing attention away from the negative behavior.
5. Okay, I'm interested. How do I do time out?



Here is my daughter giving herself a time out. This was taken when she was 4.

First, you give one warning/reminder like "Please stop hitting your brother". Then if the child doesn't obey, kneel in front of the child so that you are eye-level with your child. Speak in a calm but firm voice and say "I told you to do this...but you didn't. Now you need to go one time out", hold your child's hand and help him go to the designated time-out chair. No need to say anything else at this point. I assign one minute per year of the child's age as a general rule and it has so far worked for us. I set the kitchen timer and put it in front of my child (to avoid the repeated question "Is it time yet?") and then I leave. Most people stop at this point, but this is not enough. You need to go back to your child when the time is done, talk to your child kindly and ask "Do you know why you were on time out? Why?" and discuss it in simple terms with your child. Then ask the child to say sorry for the specific behavior. Say "I forgive you", then hug your child. 
6. Why doesn't it work for me?
When parents say it doesn't work for them these are the normal culprits: the rules aren't clear yet, the parents are not consistent, they didn't follow all the rules of the time out.
7. Are there other options?
I personally spank (biblical spanking okay, not beating) but I don't suggest this to my clients as I'm always afraid of them going to far with this. Withholding things kids like also works for older kid.
8. What if my kid doesn't sit still?
You have to patiently keep bringing the kid back to the time out space without talking until the kid finally sit stills. You need to keep your face and expression calm. This may take a long time specially for kids who don't understand instructions too much. They will eventually get it but the first couple of times might be challenging.